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Vampire
Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:35 pm
by Tsar CUBE
Vampire Pages 1 - 2.jpg
Vampire Pages 3 - 4.jpg
Here is the third profile in my setting, I decided to make a section for them once I make five of them
Once again, if you spot any errors in spelling and such please point them out!
Re: Vampiress
Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:38 pm
by Feathers
Error check and critique report (some may be suggestions based on my own personal opinions):
(Sorry if I had errors myself, I wrote this quickly before work.)
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Page 1, Paragraph 1- "Vampires are a rare sighting..."
[For some reason I think I having it written as this sounds better]
Vampires are a rare sight outside of Strigon...
or
Vampires are rarely sighted outside of Strigon....
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Page 1, Paragraph 3- "Vampires believe themselves to be superior to all other race;however..."
[This is how I would write it]
Vampires believe themselves to be superior to all other races. However, they tend to have a soft spot for Humans who freed them from hibernation.
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Page 2, Paragraph 2-"The taste or flavor of blood improves the more a Vampire is in love"
[This sentence doesn't seem to flow right to me. I don't know, but this is how I'd write it.]
The taste and flavor of his blood improves as their relationship deepens. Eventually, when the love for her husband (or fiancé) is at its peak, a single drop of his blood can send her into a lust induced frenzy.
"It should also be noted that if a Vampire drinks her husband's blood while he is intoxicated, it will intoxicate her as well."
[Maybe place this line at the end of paragraph 2 instead?]
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Page 2, Paragraph 3- "...they do have an unnatural hate for garlic or garlic containing foods"
[How I would write it.]
...they do have an unnatural hate for garlic and all foods that contain garlic.
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Page 2, Paragraph 4-"arithmomania" shouldn't be capitalized
[Interesting mental disability by the way, I never even heard of it! I learned something. :3]
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Page 3, Paragraph 1- "However, a Human male takes many more bites then a female to become a Vampire."
[You used then instead of than right here. I also rewrote this sentence in a way I think it would flow better.]
However, a Human male requires more bites than a Human female before becoming a Vampire.
or
However, a Human male is able to sustain more bites than a Human female before becoming a Vampire himself.
(Is this because a male's physiology differs from a female's?)
[I'm not sure why you capitalized "Human", but I'll go with it.]
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Page 3, Paragraph 2-misspelling on "possess"
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Page 3, Paragraph 3-"anemia" shouldn't be capitalized
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I'm liking the Vampire a lot more than the Dark Elf. Her "I wanna be your Princess" attitude would work well with many men I'd reckon (considering the rather large "pay off"- sex, immortality, loyal wife, etc.). ^_^
She has an interesting array of quirks and endearing traits and in my opinion that makes her a good balanced character. I can imagine watching her count a bunch of apples if they spilled into a street.
A few questions though-
1. Why does a camera pick up a Vampire's image, but a mirror cannot?
2. Why do men require more bites than women before becoming a Vampire themselves?
3. Was their "hibernation" (referred to in page 1, paragraph 3) a form of imprisonment or do they simply forget to wake up? If it's the former, I'd recommend changing it from
hibernation to
imprisonment.
4. Why is she depicted with a sword in the profile art? There is no mention of Vampiresses being swordswomen in the profile (if I missed it I'm sorry, just ignore this!). At first glance, I got the impression that she was a slasher that drinks the blood of her victims. ^^; I thought this because her body is stained with blood and her sword is also bloodied.
Of course I can't finish this post without posting this song (even though it's the opposite LOL) since it immediately came to my head when you mentioned her wanting to be a Princess.
[youtube]iTY4AwF00to[/youtube]
Re: Vampire
Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 7:10 am
by Tsar CUBE
Thanks for the extensive review!
I'll change the sentences sometime today :3
She has an interesting array of quirks and endearing traits and in my opinion that makes her a good balanced character. I can imagine watching her count a bunch of apples if they spilled into a street.
She would be really embarrassed if someone saw her doing it!
1. Why does a camera pick up a Vampire's image, but a mirror cannot?
Because I think a camera works similar to how the eye works, while a mirror only reflects the image, so I figured thy would be able to detect Vampires... plus because SCIENCE beats magic traits!
2. Why do men require more bites than women before becoming a Vampire themselves?
Genetic issues, same reason why male Vampires have such low birth rates and First Generation one have never been found. At the end of the day, women have a much more mutatable genome in this setting so they pic up supernatural characteristics and diseases faster then men.
3. Was their "hibernation" (referred to in page 1, paragraph 3) a form of imprisonment or do they simply forget to wake up? If it's the former, I'd recommend changing it from hibernation to imprisonment.
It's imprisonment but they fell into hibernation inside their prisons. They were sleeping there.
4. Why is she depicted with a sword in the profile art? There is no mention of Vampiresses being swordswomen in the profile (if I missed it I'm sorry, just ignore this!). At first glance, I got the impression that she was a slasher that drinks the blood of her victims. ^^; I thought this because her body is stained with blood and her sword is also bloodied.
They don't have to have swords (rapier), it's just a good elegant weapon for someone who uses magic to strengthen their physical characteristics like speed and strength. The picture was supposed to depict a scenario where she was fencing with her boyfriend who vulgarly grabbed her ass and ended up getting stabbed in the process. It's not as bad as it sounds though, as the person in question belonged to a Human sub race who are cursed to Immortality, hence loss of blood was not an issue for them.
PS: I capitalised the word "Human" because I wanted the species names to start with a capital
PSS: That was a pretty uplifting little song/clip!!
Re: Vampire
Posted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:14 am
by Kurosawa
Hmmm, no problems here with the text.
Except for that it is a bit weird, thinking of it as a favoured "tradition" to have the younger sisters grow up together with human boys (husband to be).
I suppose they just stop aging at a certain age (age slower) and there probably also are first generation vampires that still are little kids when they get freed from imprisonment / hibernation.
Else I suppose this part mostly refers to third generation and after.
Anyway, besides not beeing a fan of too much arrogance and one partner dominating completly in a relationship, the description is good.
Re: Vampire
Posted: Sat Sep 14, 2013 2:02 pm
by Amanomiya
Random feed back, the reason vampires don't appear in mirrors is because in the past, mirrors were backed with polished silver and the holy metal wouldn't show their unholy image. Why vampires don't show in modern mirrors or in modern film (which doesn't use silver nitrate) I've no idea, and now you know
Re: Vampire
Posted: Sat Sep 14, 2013 3:13 pm
by Feathers
Amanomiya wrote:Random feed back, the reason vampires don't appear in mirrors is because in the past, mirrors were backed with polished silver and the holy metal wouldn't show their unholy image. Why vampires don't show in modern mirrors or in modern film (which doesn't use silver nitrate) I've no idea, and now you know
Heh, thanks for clarifying that, I always wondered about it. Now I'm thinking to myself "why didn't I just Google it?". Personally I always thought it was because they were soulless. From Googling, it does say that was one of the (possible) reasons for it though.
I now wonder if Tsar knew about the silver nitrate fact though.
Re: Vampire
Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 6:40 am
by Tsar CUBE
Had no idea about the silver thing, wiki never mentioned it in such detail.
But it wouldn't apply to my Vampires since silver has no effect on them
My version wont show up in any normal mirrors or on film. Though Digital cameras can capture their image.
And yes Kuro they stop aging after 20 :3
Re: Vampire
Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 4:06 pm
by Feathers
Tsar CUBE wrote:
And yes Kuro they stop aging after 20 :3
That would be so convenient..
Re: Vampire
Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2013 2:57 am
by Raet
I always liked that vampire especially because of her expression.
Re: Vampire
Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2013 8:11 am
by Tsar CUBE
Feathers wrote:Tsar CUBE wrote:
And yes Kuro they stop aging after 20 :3
That would be so convenient..
I went into genetics hoping to find a way to stop aging in real life
Raet wrote:I always liked that vampire especially because of her expression.
Yeah, she is one of my favourites too, love that expression, even use it as my Skype avatar and on MGU.
Re: Vampire
Posted: Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:06 pm
by Feathers
Why don't you have an avatar here? >_<
Re: Vampire
Posted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 4:16 pm
by Tsar CUBE
Feathers wrote:Why don't you have an avatar here? >_<
Because I plan to draw a male representation of myself and set that as my first ever avatar here.... don't want to lose my avatar virginity till then
Re: Vampire
Posted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:33 pm
by Feathers
Tsar CUBE wrote:Feathers wrote:Why don't you have an avatar here? >_<
Because I plan to draw a male representation of myself and set that as my first ever avatar here.... don't want to lose my avatar virginity till then
Hurry up I want to see him.
