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Unspun

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 10:33 pm
by Jstuckey2012
To celebrate my 50th post, here is my first fan fiction written specifically on this site.
► Show Spoiler

Re: Unspun

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 10:49 pm
by Kmon13
Wow a nice way to celebrate your post Jstuckey2012 complete with a happy ending....

more ways than one... :haha:

Re: Unspun

Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 2:12 pm
by Helios Leinheart
Let me start be mentioning a few things that instantly stuck out to me. And remember, I only say this in the interest of helping you out.

Too short. I'm sure you've heard the term quality of quantity before. If you want to write something short, that's fine, but the few words that you have to work with better be wisely chosen words. With what's currently here, there is simply too much missing. The message at the end of Pamela trading her two legs that don't work for eight legs that do is the stuff of fairy tales. I quite liked it, but there's so much potential for more. In fact, what is currently here should only be about 25% of the story. The other 75% should be about what Pamela had to do to earn such a transformation.

Going into more detail on Pamela's and Ivan's relationship would also be wise. I understand that they are friends. Make me understand just how strong their friendship is. With what's currently here, I see Ivan as a guy that brings her bread once in a while. And I don't really think you were intending that.

Another minor thing, try to refrain from using character names too often. If you say Ivan's name in one sentence, you can generally substitute it for a "he/him/his" in the next. Try reading sentences out loud to yourself. It will help to let you know what doesn't sound quite right.

I say the same thing to every person that tries for a very short story like this. Anything good takes time to create. I generally spend about 2 weeks to a month on one-shot projects, and they turn out much better for it. Take your time and think things out. There's a lot more I could say, but I'll wait and see how your next work comes out before going any farther.

Don't let this discourage you. Perseverance can only make you better.

Re: Unspun

Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:39 am
by Pierce
Helios Leinheart wrote:Let me start be mentioning a few things that instantly stuck out to me. And remember, I only say this in the interest of helping you out.

Too short. I'm sure you've heard the term quality of quantity before. If you want to write something short, that's fine, but the few words that you have to work with better be wisely chosen words. With what's currently here, there is simply too much missing. The message at the end of Pamela trading her two legs that don't work for eight legs that do is the stuff of fairy tales. I quite liked it, but there's so much potential for more. In fact, what is currently here should only be about 25% of the story. The other 75% should be about what Pamela had to do to earn such a transformation.
Agreed, Pamela's transformation could use a bit more explanation aside from a simple yet vague Q&A explanation.

Going into more detail on Pamela and Ivan's relationship would also be wise. I understand that they are friends. Make me understand just how strong their friendship is. With what's currently here, I see Ivan as a guy that brings her bread once in a while. And I don't really think you were intending that.
Also agreed, a larger character development would be given much attentiveness to a reader, to show why would the reader for the in-character.
Another minor thing, try to refrain from using character names too often. If you say Ivan's name in one sentence, you can generally substitute it for a "he/him/his" in the next. Try reading sentences out loud to yourself. It will help to let you know what doesn't sound quite right.
Indeed, once you use the character's names, make sure you use a pronoun when readdressed within the said sentence.


For my review of this short story, it reads just longer than a wikipedia summary, but falling short of a good oneshot.

Personally, you could start off with extending the sex scene, try to prolong it a bit more with juicy descriptions.
Everything else seems already addressed by Helios.

Good effort, but keep pushing yourself to your utmost limits to see the true potential of your literature.