Unspun

[Jstuckey2012]

To celebrate my 50th post, here is my first fan fiction written specifically on this site.

► Show Spoiler

Unspun

A Story by Jacob Stuckey Productions

Ivan hummed a little ditty to himself as he walked up the cobblestone path to a small yellow house. The house belonged to Ivan's friend Pamela. Pamela was a young woman who had been crippled her entire life and depended on her family and friends to support her. Ivan was bringing her a loaf of bread.

Ivan entered the house and set the bread on the counter.
"Pamela" he called out "I'm here." He got no answer. Ivan looked toward a door and found it was covered with cobwebs. He found that strange-there were no signs of spiders in the house the last time he visited. Ivan headed through another door into the hallway. Suddenly, his foot became caught on a strand of silk. Ivan stumbled forward and fell on more strands of silk. Ivan tried to get up, but he only managed to become more entangled.

"Well" said a voice "look what just walked in." Ivan recognized the voice as Pamela's, but there was something different about that Ivan could put his finger on. Then he got a good look at her.

Pamela was standing-standing-before him. Her long raven hair, which she normally kept in a braid, now flowed freely down her back to her waist. Behind her bangs, Ivan could see six small red dots which matched the new color of her eyes. She was totally naked, her hair the only thing covering her breasts-which seemed to be larger than usual. It was below the waist that the biggest change was evident below the waist. Instead of a human lower body, Pamela had a spider-body. She was now an arachne.

Ivan shuddered. He wondered what had happened to Pamela to change her into this. His thoughts were interrupted by Pamela leaning down and cutting the silk that tied him to the floor, while still leaving him bound and immobile.
"We are going to have some fun" she declared as she carried Ivan to her bedroom. Before Ivan knew it he found himself on a bed with Pamela hovering over him. She reached out and stroked his crotch. Ivan's penis, apparently oblivious to the situation the rest of his body was in, stood up immediately.
"Just like that" Pamela chuckled as she pulled Ivan's pants to his knees, exposing Ivan's "lightning rod." She positioned herself so that the juncture of her human and spider halves was even with Ivan's groin, and then sunk her pussy down onto Ivan's shaft and began moving up and down.

Ivan felt a surge of warmth and pleasure move through his body. At the same time, he continued to twitch and squirm in an attempt to get out of his bindings. Ivan's squirming only excited Pamela more, causing her to increase her thrusts.
"That's right" she exclaimed "struggle all you want." She continued on with her thrusting.

After a few more minutes had passed, Ivan had reached his limit. He grunted as a stream of semen erupted from his penis into Pamela's vagina. Seemingly satisfied, Pamela pulled herself off of Ivan and sat down beside him on the bed. She gently untied him from the silk and allowed him to pull his pants back up. He sat up beside her on the bed.
"So" he said "How'd you become an arachne?" Pamela grinned "I met a person who said she had a solution to my woes." she replied. "Uh-huh." Ivan shook his head. Most definitely a lilim He thought. "Isn't it funny?" Pamela asked "Once, I had two legs that didn't work, and now I have eight legs that do!" "Yes, it is" Ivan replied. He found it kind of amusing that they were chatting casually considering what had happened moments before. Pamela reached under her bed and pulled out a box. "I've got a present for you" she announced. Ivan reached into the box and pulled out a very nice-looking shirt. "I made it myself" Pamela said proudly. Ivan blushed. He knew enough about monster girl customs to know what this meant. Pamela leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Oh well he thought It's not like she hasn't been nice to me in the past.
THE END

[Kmon13]

Wow a nice way to celebrate your post Jstuckey2012 complete with a happy ending....

more ways than one...

[Helios Leinheart]

Let me start be mentioning a few things that instantly stuck out to me. And remember, I only say this in the interest of helping you out.

Too short. I'm sure you've heard the term quality of quantity before. If you want to write something short, that's fine, but the few words that you have to work with better be wisely chosen words. With what's currently here, there is simply too much missing. The message at the end of Pamela trading her two legs that don't work for eight legs that do is the stuff of fairy tales. I quite liked it, but there's so much potential for more. In fact, what is currently here should only be about 25% of the story. The other 75% should be about what Pamela had to do to earn such a transformation.

Going into more detail on Pamela's and Ivan's relationship would also be wise. I understand that they are friends. Make me understand just how strong their friendship is. With what's currently here, I see Ivan as a guy that brings her bread once in a while. And I don't really think you were intending that.

Another minor thing, try to refrain from using character names too often. If you say Ivan's name in one sentence, you can generally substitute it for a "he/him/his" in the next. Try reading sentences out loud to yourself. It will help to let you know what doesn't sound quite right.

I say the same thing to every person that tries for a very short story like this. Anything good takes time to create. I generally spend about 2 weeks to a month on one-shot projects, and they turn out much better for it. Take your time and think things out. There's a lot more I could say, but I'll wait and see how your next work comes out before going any farther.

Don't let this discourage you. Perseverance can only make you better.

[Pierce]

Let me start be mentioning a few things that instantly stuck out to me. And remember, I only say this in the interest of helping you out.

Too short. I'm sure you've heard the term quality of quantity before. If you want to write something short, that's fine, but the few words that you have to work with better be wisely chosen words. With what's currently here, there is simply too much missing. The message at the end of Pamela trading her two legs that don't work for eight legs that do is the stuff of fairy tales. I quite liked it, but there's so much potential for more. In fact, what is currently here should only be about 25% of the story. The other 75% should be about what Pamela had to do to earn such a transformation.

Agreed, Pamela's transformation could use a bit more explanation aside from a simple yet vague Q&A explanation.

Going into more detail on Pamela and Ivan's relationship would also be wise. I understand that they are friends. Make me understand just how strong their friendship is. With what's currently here, I see Ivan as a guy that brings her bread once in a while. And I don't really think you were intending that.

Also agreed, a larger character development would be given much attentiveness to a reader, to show why would the reader for the in-character.

Another minor thing, try to refrain from using character names too often. If you say Ivan's name in one sentence, you can generally substitute it for a "he/him/his" in the next. Try reading sentences out loud to yourself. It will help to let you know what doesn't sound quite right.

Indeed, once you use the character's names, make sure you use a pronoun when readdressed within the said sentence.


For my review of this short story, it reads just longer than a wikipedia summary, but falling short of a good oneshot.

Personally, you could start off with extending the sex scene, try to prolong it a bit more with juicy descriptions.
Everything else seems already addressed by Helios.

Good effort, but keep pushing yourself to your utmost limits to see the true potential of your literature.